May 012011
 
Batman – Issue 1 – Spring 1940

1-      Batman will fight crime when he damn well pleases:

In this issue the Joker promises to kill a Henry Claridge at midnight via the radio, and at midnight he dies with the infamous Joker smile on his face.  The next night he promises to kill another man named Jay Wilde.  When the boy wonder asks Wayne why they don’t take a shot at the Joker, he replies, “The time isn’t ripe…” and continues to smoke a pipe in his study.  Jay Wilde later dies, no thanks to Batman…what an ass.  Two more men die before the Joker is finally apprehended.

2-      Batman’s origin is far simpler than you may think: Yes, we all know the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents led to him becoming Batman, but why bats?  Well, it turns out while he was thinking of a disguise a bat just flew through his open window…apparently at mid-day.  Yeah, not so great.

3-      Batman has no problem with getting blood on his hands: Dr. Strange injects men with a drug that turns men into “monsters.”  Basically they’re 10 feet tall, stupid, and violent.  How would you stop these monsters?  How about flying your plane over one with a noose and choking one of them out, and then replying, “He’s probably better off this way.” Later when one of the giants climbs what appears to be the Empire State Building (Very original, also I didn’t know Gotham had one of those) he uses his plane yet again and sprays poison at him so that he may fall to his death.  I hope the big fuck didn’t land on anyone…

4-      Police brutality is okay, as long as it’s the police that get brutalized: When seemingly knocked out, a policeman decides to unmask  Batman, who suddenly wakes up and opens up a can of whoop ass on Gotham’s finest.   While he leaves he informs them, “Sorry boys, I’m not quite ready for jail!” Kind of giving you the idea which side of the law Batman’s really on.

5-      Children should probably  be fighting criminals as well: Batman takes the guns away from a group of gangsters on a cruise ship, and then stand idly by as Robin beats the ever-loving shit out of them until they cry for him to stop. Then Batman looks at you, the comic reader and says: “Well kids there’s your proof! Crooks are yellow without their guns!  Don’t go around admiring them…Rather  do your best in fighting them and all their kind!”

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